I have many discussions about whining and how it related to empathy with several parents. I think most people see whining as something other than what it is. Whining is just a primitive way a child expresses himself, but it means so much more than this for it sets up how a child will use communication based on your reaction.
When a child whines, he’s expressing an issue. Simple right? Annoying too. For arguments sake let’s stripe away age, and look at the situation from an adult context. I firmly believe that we’re not raising children, but in fact are raising adults and what you do in your kids childhood will be reflected in his adulthood. Communication patterns constructed right now will set up how your child operated later on.
So an “adult” comes to you complaining about such and such. He wants a cookie or wants to play outside. Maybe this “adult” is a spouse to someone else. Do you talk about it? Throw things around the house? Does everyone ignore each other? Do you put Tabasco sauce in each other’s mouth (an actual suggestion by another parent!)?
What you decide to do will be reflected later on. Effective people talk it out. Talking about an issue is not the same as giving into an issue – not in the least. You can talk about anything you want to a toddler and then refuse it. Many people think you need to hide things from a toddler – but often this is only a mechanism you use so as not to have to discuss it! Sound familiar? Maybe you’re using techniques handed down by your parents. So instead of talking about why you can’t have a treat before dinner, you simply hide all the treats. This isn’t a bad idea, but as your child ages, he’s going to come to understand that treats are always in the cupboard and don’t disappear, so best deal with it now while your child’s will is weaker and more manageable.
So talk, talk, talk. Talk about everything including your child’s desires and aspirations. Even if they’re just simple ones like wanting to go outside, or play with a toy they can’t at the moment, or play with you or read a book. I promise that more lofty requests are down the road and you’ll need to discuss these too. You can always follow your parent’s lead on this and shove issues under the carpet – perhaps your child’s spouse will enjoy this way of dealing with things! Doubtful, but perhaps they’ll do the same. However, I contest that happy and effective people can talk about any and everything freely. And yes, talking about an issue is not even close to giving in to an issue.
So when whining starts, have your toddler stop. You can sign and say the word STOP – it’s actually a very effective word to sign because you drop your hand down in a hurry onto your palm facing upward – chopping motion. Get down on your child’s level and establish eye contact. If your child is still crying or carrying out ask him to calm down. Until your child is calm, no communication can happen. Wait for your child to calm down. I have my son exhale and he does so. This helps him breath instead of getting upset. Usually breathing patterns quicken when a toddler is upset so this is an early give-away to melt down. If a child starts huffing in and out, it’s time to calm the situation down.
If your child doesn’t calm quickly, anchor with him by putting an arm on his shoulder or hand. This establishes a connection with your child and is a nonverbal way to show empathy. Next ask your child to use his words. Let him talk and see what he comes up with on his own. If he’s under or around 2, he might not have all the vocabulary he needs to have a discussion, but that doesn’t mean you don’t try. A child old enough to throw a fit, is old enough to work it out. Help your child fill in the words he can’t say or sign and fragment a sentence together with his help. Have him repeat it back a few times and emphasis the key words so he has language during his next issue. “Oh so you want to go read a BOOK with MOM” Or “Oh you want to eat an entire box of chocolates, but your upset that you can’t?” Remember, nothing is off the table, talk, talk, talk.
After you’ve use proper language, it’s time to decide what you’ll do. And you thought discussing something was off the table because it might mean you’d have to implement a request! Absolutely not. Now’s the time you talk. Discuss the situation with your child and offer a reasonable explanation as to why you can or can not do what’s been requested. “No, I’m sorry, you can’t eat the entire box of chocolate because we’re just about to eat dinner and besides eating all the junk food in one sitting is not healthy.” Don’t make stuff up, as your child will catch on. “Oh mommy, it’s not even close to dinner is something your child might come up with later on.” However the “not healthy part” will cover you. On the other hand, you might say “Okay, you can have one small piece, but that’s it, after that ALL DONE.” When reading a book is concerned, you might say “I can’t read a BOOK right now, I’m busy making dinner, let me put the food on the stove and I’ll come read a BOOK.” In this case, the moment you are finished, GO READ THE BOOK! If you don’t your child will come back and bug you again – you will not have kept your side of the bargain. Do you know anyone in your adult life who can’t keep promises? People not have integrity?
After you have made your (reasonable and justified) decision it’s absolutely time to stick to it. If you bend, then you’ll teach your child that negotiation is okay – maybe to you it is, but it might also set you up for additional whining. If whining happens again, just repeat the same process as above and continue to re-establish good adult communication patterns.
Is what I write easy to do? Nope, not at all. It’s easy to just tell baby-Jim to go fly a kite on his own – but if you want a mini-adult in your house sans-whining, this is the way to do it. You wont’ get ride of tantrums, but they’ll end up less forceful mini-tantrums and everyone will be happy for it. Studies have shown that children offered empathy turn out to be caring people in adulthood. This is why – children repeat the patterns they see.