I tug my boys arm when he’s upset, get done to his level, establish eye contact and lower my voice and unemotionally ask him what’s the matter.  If he’s out of breath I tell him to “be calm” – he’ll exhale (a trick we learned early on).  If he can’t talk I ask him to do it again.  If we’re in a stimulating environment we might move to a quieter location to sort the matter out.  Then we insist again that words be used to explain the problem and I make sure to listen carefully.  If words aren’t forthcoming, I ask for signs and try to piece together the matter.  I fill in the blanks and turn what my son has said into a sentence and repeat it back to him.  Then I do it again in a question – usually it’s a request, something he wants to do.  Now I either fulfill the request, or deny it with a reasonable reason.  This sequence works every time to resolve toddler issues, but doesn’t happen overnight.

Every parent has a connection with their baby after having spent their baby’s entire lifetime with them.  This is natural, but knowing what makes a baby and toddler tick is something entirely different and this is up to you to discover.

When my son was under 12 months, I’d often calm him for sleeping.  It was pretty easy for me after I discovered that he was needing of security.  I held his chest as he lie on his back with consistent pressure.  This makes him feel safe and hugged without having to take him out of the bed.  The same can be done by swaddling and this is a good thing to do when baby is really young because the “hug” doesn’t go away.  I then add key words and phrases.  “Shushing” can work great and is thought to replace the sounds a baby heard while in the womb.  I’m not sure this is exactly the reason it works, but after doing it enough times, it becomes a sound of security in and of itself.  I call these keys “mind string” because they tug on the “strings of the mind” in such a way as to elicit responses which are desirable.  The shushing pulls on the mind in just the right way to produce a calming effect.  You can make any keys you want.  Many parents will say “Shhhhh, you’re okay, shhhh, you’re okay” and repeat this over and over again.  By hearing it, your baby understand what follows i.e. they calm and fall asleep.  The string pulls on the mind to elicit subsequent behaviours.

As you and your baby grow close, you’ll have all sorts of mind strings working in your favour.  At least the most effective parents will, the lesser effective parents will tackle parenthood in some random fashion.

“Guiding” is another type of mind string.  As adults when someone puts their hand on our lower back, we go where they lead us.  Our parents started this mind string and later when someone else does it, we do it too.  Try this, put your hand out to someone, even a stranger and they’ll immediately put their hand out to catch yours.  Unless it’s really weird, it happens.  I recall several elderly people doing this to me as they sought to direct me in one location or another.  Guiding by putting out your hand can help you get a toddler in motion – to pick up toys or to follow you to another location on a walk.

Give mind strings a shot with your toddler and see what kinds of behaviours you can elicit from your baby.  It’s really a great skill to learn to help make parenting easier.

Neither of these are requirements for your baby.  We owned one sippy-cup and our son dropped it on the floor and since it was made free of BPA it smashed to smithereens!  After that we just offered him a cup.  It took us a while to get him going and had to help him coordinate the entire affair, but he was using a cup on his own in no time at all.

Using a cup is not as carefree as a sippy-cup, but that was okay with us.  Holden learned that you can’t turn it sideways, that you have to tilt it back far enough, but not too far, and that if you aren’t careful, it’s contents can be totally lost!  What a great and simple lesson.  Once more, we never had to worry about packing it for trips, worry for tantrums by not having a special cup or misplacing it and so forth.  By not having a sippy-cup, our son learned not to walk around attached to it.  We also never filled his cup with sugary juice and so it was never a big deal for him to carry it around the house.  We offered him just juice or milk and it stayed on the kitchen table for him.  If he wanted more, he would simply sign for our help in reaching it.

We started with a soother in his early months to help calm him for sleeping.  It worked great for a few weeks, but later he would push it out while sleeping in the middle of the night, wake, and then cry until we put it back in.  At one point it became a crutch for him and he’d wake several times a night only for us to put it back in.  I decided that the soother and his lack of coordination to put it back in was the issue, and not that he really wanted to be up at all hours.  That morning I decided to put the soother away.  Then we let him cry himself to sleep on his morning nap with frequent trips in to help calm him – the cry-it-out method.  It sounds brutal, but at one point or another, most parents will either give into their child’s demands for constant attention or they’ll take a stand against it.  We chose to take a stand, and thankfully, it only took one try.  From then on out, our son slept without a soother and for most of the night.

As our son got older he great attached to two blankets given to him by his Nan.  We never tried to form an attachment for him, he did this on his own.  Since my wife had a blanket herself as a child, she had a soft spot.  My take was neutral so I never made issue with it.  We both set rules, however.  It doesn’t leave the house for day-trips.  When we sleep someplace else, it’s welcome to come.  We always gave our son the option of leaving it in his bed for later which he’d take on occasion and of which he might ask to have it back part way through the day.  Blankets are a form of crutch and at some point need to be dealt with.  You’ll know when this time comes and there are techniques you can use to help your child along.

One such technique is to “put it in the mail” and send it off to a needy child someplace else.  This is what you tell to your toddler at least.  This mailing technique can be used with soothers too.  As a parent, you’ll know when it’s time to ditch the security tools in your baby’s life and at that time, you should take action.  Waiting will only cause unnecessary pain and suffering – perhaps even delays in maturity.  Children are resilient either way though, so if you choose to pull the bandaid off all at once, or slowly, or delay it, your child will adjust.  Whatever you do decide, stay consistent and stay strong.

When I had my boy for the day, I always made a point to going outside for at least an hour.  Well, most days anyway.  We live in a cold and variable climate and seeing temperatures as low as minus 20 degrees Celsius is not unusual in the middle of winter.  These days we looked out the window!

What completely amazed me was how, for the most part, we basically owed the neighbourhood.  Even on nice days, the majority of the people we saw weren’t actually outside at all.  They were simply in transit protected by plastic and steel isolated from any interaction from pedestrians.  Even in a busy city, it’s unusual to see anyone outside, even kids now-a-days.  With plenty of things to do inside, like television, movies, computers, video games, books, and toys, kids can find any number of excuses to avoid nature.

This can be a big mistake, for it is nature who creates life’s rules, not things made by man.  Nature is the ultimate ruler in our lives and no amount of avoidance will change weather patterns and physics.  Brining children outside teaches them about the sheer unforgiving aspect of nature.  How rain doesn’t care if it gets you wet or how winter puts life on hold and makes it snow and how points A to points B is just as far as your feet will take you.  Even in a city center you can find examples of life beyond people.  Squirrels and birds are common everywhere and some will even find deer and other small critters happily making their homes amongst us.

However this post is more to do with natures raw rules that what appears on the surface.  Kids need to understand that while humans care, nature does not.  Nature can be brutal and it’s laws even more so.  For example, getting lost in the woods will find you friendless.  While the sun can provide a bearing to safety, it won’t do so without you understanding it’s orientation.  Hitting your thumb hard with a hammer thereby missing a nail, hurts – a lot – you shouldn’t do this.  These are what I mean about teaching a child about the laws of nature.  When it’s cold, we need to dress warmly with snowpants, when it rains, we need to wear rubber boots or take cover.  When it’s windy we need to watch overhead lest a branch drop to near us due to gravity.  That fire burns when it’s touch, that water drowns if breathed, that animals can attack when cornered.

Kids that have a foundation in nature understand how life really works and won’t complain when something doesn’t go there way.  Instead, they’ll work alongside life’s rules to find solutions which partner rather than violate these immutable laws.  Yes, learning life’s laws is not something that is as simple as going outside, but it does start there.  An indoor life is a sheltered one and one detached from fact.  Man can tame nature by staying outside of it, but it’s can’t break or bend it’s laws in any shape or form.  The most successful of us, understand this.  We work with what we’ve been given – within the set parameters of life to come to some solution that meets some happy medium.  We work between what we want and what’s possible.

This entry too deep for a baby blog, absolutely!